How does a person ever get over trauma, such as rape, battering, losing a loved one to war, or seeing your daughter’s stillborn baby? I don’t think you ever “get over” such an experience. I believe that it is not what happens to you in life; the facts and the particulars, but it is how you cope with what happens that forms your character. I have also learned that “why?” is often question with no solid, easy answer. We can only speculate and wonder and play the frustrating “what if?” game.
As I get older I tend to reflect on my life and examine my inner self. One thing that comes to mind often these days is how much I love my children, and how responsible I feel for their well being. Even though they are out of the nest I still worry about how they are, if they are happy, and if they are taking care of their physical and spiritual health. There are times when my heart is so wide open that I am overwhelmed. I don’t think my children know the person that I truly am. They don’t need to know every detail of my life because that isn’t necessary. What I do want them to know is that I did my best, knowing full well that I am not perfect. Any mistakes I made affected their lives, and as we all know children are the ones that suffer the most but my mistakes were not caused by them. My children have made my life so rich and full, and I am very thankful for that. I know I have many failings as a mother but I know one thing for absolutely sure, and that is my love for my children is more than mere words can convey.
No matter what has happened in my life, my children are bone of my bones flesh of my flesh, and heart of my heart. Mother child love is unfathomable and undeniable. This is why, even after all these times I still shed tears when I realize how deeply wounded I am because of the separation from my two oldest children. It was pure meanness of my ex husband to take them from me; meanness and his fear of losing control over me. This is why, although I have moved on in life, I can not, will not trust the man ever again. Period. His betrayal left spiritual and emotional scars that are still not totally healed as much as I will them so.
That being said I take comfort in the words of Kahlil Gibran from the Prophet and what he says about children.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.