Within her a pregnant woman carries sacred life and the love a mother has for her children dwells deep in her heart. Mother and child are one, generation after generation. Giving birth to each of my children filled me in a way I never thought possible, but when I became a grandmother for the first time the experience was a circumcision of my heart. The night before she gave birth to her first child my daughter had a dream that God was rocking her in His arms. I was with her at the hospital when, at noon the next day she gave birth to a stillborn baby boy. The breath of life was not within him, but he was a real part our lives; this tiny little being whose presence in that moment changed us forever.
I can still picture my little grandson, so still, cradled in my daughter’s arms, a portrait of mother and child, of perfect innocence and pure love. I remember this experience with clarity, even after seventeen years have passed. Having to greet this little being and say good bye to him in the same moment awoke in me an understanding of a true and deep love for life.
We left the hospital that day with empty arms but we were blessed by this angel, which became his name, for indeed he brought a message and a blessing by his very being. What came into my heart was “be still and know that I am God” and God is love. There was no conversation as my son in law drove us home, but we were bonded by the silent tears we all shared. It was on that ride I understood that there is a reason for every being created and grief is part of love; it deepens us so we can experience life fully and accept a greater power than ourselves. In the years since Angel’s birth I have realized that life is a journey and that unconditional love is the single most power of all.
Firstborn, nameless, your birth was not what I expected,
but I felt your spirit profoundly
as you lay so still, a newborn babe
cradled in your mothers arms,
a miracle to fill the soul with meaning.
I caressed your downy softness
and perceived Divine Love.
The Breath of Life was not within you
yet you brought a message
so deeply and gently delivered
“Be still and know that I am God.”
It was then I received the courage
to love you completely and to let you go,
in an eternal moment to acknowledge,
“Hello, Little Angel and farewell.
Unbidden tears, bittersweet pierce, yet soothe my heart,
I feel you now a part of me
and recognize the angel in myself.
You blessed me with mercy and goodness;
I am at peace, thankful for your guidance
through the Valley of the Shadow of Death
and I fear no evil.