Women Enduring our World

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There is power in the collective we. My individual experience is only one of the thousands of experiences with similar themes; stories of trauma and abuse and manipulation, often by those we trusted and believed, both individually and collectively. When I reached the point of “enough is enough”, I stood up for myself. We as a group can stand up for ourselves as one because we are empowered women and we have come too far to go back now.
It is daunting, discouraging, and frightening to witness what has been unleashed in our world today since the last election especially. Human rights are being stripped away, greedy corporations fund war instead of decent health care and education, Mother Earth is suffering. History tells us how countries have been overtaken by tyrants and dictators. Is it happening here? I feel we are on the brink, but I also have hope.
We can’t give in to fear, and if we are angry, we should be but I’d like to channel that anger in constructive ways and be good examples of kind and courageous people.

Everyone Has an Opinion and This is Mine

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I am a grandmother. I marched against the Viet Nam War, I was part of the counterculture and believed in peace and love and the oneness of humankind. I still do. I am conscious of what I read and watch as far as the media goes. I am aware the media is used to control and brainwash and separate. I also see there are sources that are intelligent and educational as well. With what is going on now we have a huge undertaking. Voting is the very least we can do but we MUST vote.

Right after the last presidential election, I expressed my dismay at the outcome to one of my acquaintances on social media. This person asked me why I was so upset. I couldn’t even respond at first. Clearly, this person had a different perspective and that’s OK. It’s still hard for me to comprehend because, in my mind, this goes beyond the party lines of politics. It is a moral issue or the lack of it in this case of the POTUS.

I have been on this planet long enough to recognize toxic behavior. The man’s attitude towards women, people of color, gays, and the handicapped; or anyone who dares oppose him is so blatant and cruel. There are those who seem to accept or ignore these behaviors even among those that claim to be Christian. I don’t get it.

I don’t claim to be an expert but this president’s policies on the environment, on immigration, and his friendships with the dictators of Russia and South Korea are alarming, are they not? This is my opinion for what it’s worth.

I am learning not to engage in debate, at least not heated ones because I don’t think it is fruitful. I don’t mind a peaceful, intelligent exchange of ideas but try as I might I still don’t understand those that support this noxious behavior from a man who holds this powerful position in our country.

A Feminine Perspective

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Something remarkable has happened.  Two women I know have each published a memoir.  One woman is near my oldest daughter’s age and the other, like myself is a grandmother.  As any writer knows, writing is hard work, to say the least, a memoir especially. In my opinion, these memoirs are groundbreaking because until now the writings about the Love Family have been written by observers , journalists, and historians, not by people who dedicated years to living beliefs and ideals that were initially presented.

I believe in the power of story. It is so important right now, especially for women.  Too long those of us who have been subject to emotional and physical trauma or manipulation have kept silent.  People have asked me over the years (in reference to both my abusive husband and the Love Family) “Why didn’t you just leave?” I was married to an abusive man for several years before I ran in fear and the memory of that particular night is etched into my mind and has changed my life forever.  I spent most of my adult life in the Love Family even after I recognized the financial and social discrepancies, the manipulation, and the patriarchy. Why I stayed and hesitated to express myself until years later is a complicated issue. Those who have not walked in those shoes may never understand.
The memoirs of my friends describe the journeys that led them to the Family and the lives that ensued.  There is a common thread that weaves those of us who lived together during those years. There are also as many variations of stories and experiences as there were people. A person’s truth is a person’s truth.
From my perspective women in the Family were not valued and respected, simply put.  Or maybe we were just overshadowed by the rule of serving the whole first, core families second.  Certainly, we were not encouraged to speak out. It was more important not to make waves or ask questions. As ideal as it seemed in the beginning, the Family morphed into a microcosm of the world at large with the same problems.  I did not live in fear there but as a woman, I felt repressed and manipulated as the years passed.
There are those who had a different experience. Some aspects of a  big family were positive and I am a better person with a wealth of experience. I gleaned some lasting friends and the children that we raised together have bonds to this day. I learned a lot about my self and about human nature.  I have to believe that we did change the world for the better for a time.

Below are links to the memoirs:

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This morning I watched a brief segment of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony, gripped by memories of my experiences in a courtroom on the witness stand. My circumstances were different and not on a large scale like hers is, certainly but I know how hard it is to bring to light a very personal trauma and expose wrongdoers. She is a brave woman and what she is doing is SO important. She represents so many women and the fact she is standing up before the highest powers in this country has been a long time coming, in my humble opinion.

Many years ago back in the mid 70’s, I was in the courtroom fighting for custody of my children. I was in my mid 20’s, newly pregnant with my third child; intimidated, unable to speak up and expose the domestic violence that was my world as a young wife and mother. I, like so many women and mothers, not only get victimized by their spouses/boyfriends but also the court system and the culture that blames the victims and excuses the perpetrators.

It is my hope that this can change, and I am encouraged that there are more women engaged in making changes in our culture and our government. It is vital, demonstrated by this case in particular; the potential placing of a judge in the Supreme Court that could cause women to lose the freedom to make their own choices. If this happens we will lose our culture as we know it.

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Stars in My Hair
I stand here bathed in moonlight
the stars are in my hair
Fairies sing at midnight
in the softly ringing air.
Moonful, mournful
chill translucent night
silent orb eye reigns benevolent
with infinite course of light;
I am magician’s handmaiden
I am the goddess queen,
I love the world and all within
and those things unseen;
Blessed be the stars,
blessed be the moon
and as the planet turns
blessed our people

to whom the Truth returns.

Reflections in the Moment, Briefly

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“Character, like a photograph, develops in darkness.” — Yousuf Karsh

It has been some time since I have posted. Life has been full and I have not written much aside from personal journaling.

In the fall of 2015 my husband of 10 years and I divorced. This was a huge challenge and experiencing the past two and a half years has made me a deeper more compassionate person. Stronger, too, when self-doubt threatened to crush me and I had to start over when I didn’t know if I could make it through one day without emotionally falling apart.

In 2017 my mother moved into assisted living. This continues to be a test for me and my siblings, and certainly for my mother who struggles daily with advancing dementia. There is still that sweet woman that abides in her heart and mostly this is who she still is but nothing prepared us for the memory lapses, the confusion, the obsessive behaviors, and ultimately her inability to live alone. It is these things that lead us to have her move into an assisted living facility. It never crossed my mind that this would ever happen but it is for her health and safety. She does not understand why she is there, and she is not able to comprehend or retain our explanations so we love her in the moment.

in 2018 I moved, an occasion that was both a beginning and  closure; an opportunity to recreate my self and heal my heart. Once again. I thought that at the age of 68 I might be more settled, but this was not to be. Apparently, I am slated for more adventures.

There are so many levels of emotions within these changes and sometimes unwanted advice from people who don’t understand and so freely offer their opinions about something they know very little about. This, too has made me a better person. There is so much that life teaches and the older I get the more learn the peace of mind that letting go of anger and resentment brings.

And so it goes.  I am most thankful for my loving and supporting family and my close friends who have helped me so much simply by being who they are.

The Miracle of Meh

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         “A miracle is simply a shift in perception”
                       Marianne Williamson
                       from Everyday Grace

Fingers poised above the keyboard, I search inside my mind for words to express what I am feeling. It helps to stay in the present moment and pay attention to the surroundings: the crackle and the warmth of the fire, the drip of the faucet in the kitchen and the soft whiteness that drapes the trees outside in the frozen world of winter.

I have reached what I have been told is the “meh” stage which means my heart no longer aches and I am not triggered by photos of my past; life with someone I thought I was going to grow old with. Meh, to me anyway, also means I no longer fret and stew and wonder what I did wrong. It means I have picked up my pieces and I am ready to move on. Meh means I am done with that drama.

Not to say that I am bored or unfeeling, or that I don’t get lonely sometimes or annoyed and sharp in some of my communications, or that tears don’t well up at odd moments because of a sad movie or the sweet sound of a grandchild who says, “I love you Grandma” or when I see photos of my grown-up sons and daughters who are such fine people with full lives of their own.

I am getting my priorities straight. Life is a miracle, meh and all.

Standing the Test of Time

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“He was never lonely because he was beginning to write. He had discovered that in communing with his own mind he was in communication with life.”


                    The Eternal Wonder by Pearl S. Buck
                                Page 2162 Kindle edition


The sun is shining for the first time in days. The blue of the sky is a brilliant contrast to the white of the snow.


This quote says it all. Sometimes there is something magical about the writing process. In the past, I have guarded my writing time with a passion. Presently I am in an ideal situation, spending the winter in a beautiful setting in the Ponderosa Pines near the Columbia River, and this winter I have the house to myself. I feel quite luxurious, with my laptop, my books, my notebooks, pens strewn all over and the whole days to work on my projects. Certainly, I am not lonely.


I imagine that writers throughout the centuries have felt transported as they created their works. I have been discouraged many times over the years but I keep coming back to what sustains me. I have many good writers that I admire and are a source of inspiration.
Pearl S Buck was a Nobel Prize winner and was awarded the Pulitzer for A Good Earth. The Eternal Wonder, her last book, was lost for 40 years and was published in 2013.